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We here at the con artists are strong believers in the power of ideas.  To lethally wield an idea is the ultimate intellectual thrill. Sometimes, though, sneak attacks are the best way to slice your enemy into bits...

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We've noticed an uptick in comments on the site and so we thought it would be the perfect time to offer...

Dear Con Artists,
I am having an issue with my friends.  They always make fun of me.  Whenever we go out clubbing the night always seems to end with me being verbally assaulted by my closest friends.  They get drunk and accuse me of bringing them down and they call me ugly and fat.  I always want to be there for my friends through thick and thin but I just can't understand why they treat me this way.  What should I do?

Sincerely,
Stephanie Dobson

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We've all sat around, watching our cat or dog or iguana do amazing feats of daring/agility and, more likely than not, thought to ourselves that if only this amazing feat of daring and agility could be miraculously transformed into a revenue stream, we'd be on easy street. I'm here to tell you, dear simpleton, that the price of animal celebrity is by no means justified by its rewards. 

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Doughy
Catholic
Muppet-esque
Rotund
History major
Silverback
Space nut
Bad husband
Author
Reaganite
Hypocrite
Zoo nerd
Marriage addict
Amazon.com classic reviewer ranking: 1,446
Dinosaur fanboy
Owner of URL newt.org

Look at this motherfucker. Seriously. I wouldn't trust this guy to watch my dog for a minute much less put my child's health in his hands. Grigori Rasputin was a liar, hypnotist and religious wackadoo.

You'd think that he could at least fucking smile. The story goes like this: The Tzar's son Alexei was a hemophiliac, meaning his clotting factors don't work properly. His mother contacted Rasputin who recommended leeches (not a good idea if you have problems with keeping blood) and aspirin (a blood thinner!) and also put the poor kid under hypnosis to ease the symptoms. He must have been a really charismatic guy to take advantage of the royal family like that. His unique combination of Eastern Orthodox, Khlystycism, alcohol and sex must have made sense to someone or else he wouldn't have been trusted so much. Then again, the booze and booty were all part of his personal view of sin and repentance which maintains that unless you yield to temptation, you can't repent! So, go ahead and sin all you like because you need to as part of the process. Also, according to the trusty Wikipedia, he raped a nun. Wow!

Then again, his charm might have been the kind of smoldering, brooding schtick that works so well for promiscuous, tattooed goths. Probably not. He probably just hypnotized everyone. Remind me to look into that as a way to improve my confidence trickery.

Not much to report. Except for Lisa is now dead. She will not be missed. Also, we here at the Con Artists would like to go on record say that it probably wasn't the diet that did her in as much as falling down 12 flights of stairs after a certain pair of mischievous janitors' hilarious "table-topping" of her went horribly awry. Nice work Jesus and Manuel. That being said, she did look super slim when we went in to i.d. her at the morgue. So we are going to take that as a personal victory. 

Also, if you haven't table-topped someone recently, get a partner and go have some fun!

 

THEY CONTROL EVERYTHING!!!!  PRINCE CHARLES CAN SHAPE SHIFT AND IS FRIENDS WITH OBAMA WHO CAN ALSO SHAPE SHIFT!  THIS ALSO MEANS THAT PRINCE WILLIAM CAN SHAPE SHIFT!!!!  SEND THIS VIDEO TO AT LEAST 50 OTHER PEOPLE OR ELSE THE ILLUMINATI WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD!!!

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With election season looming. we know what you are all thinking. "Fuck, I don't even vote. Why will my television viewing experience be ruined by this drivel!" You have our deepest sympathies, dear readers, we know how much it sucks.

But it occurs to us that one of the best ways to make a dishonest buck in his great land of ours' is by having political sway. Presently, we possess none, and it seems that there is direct correlation between that and our bank statement. But this all about to change, for you see dear idiot and future pawns, we here at the Con Artists have come up with a brilliant super algorithm (based largely on third edition Dungeons and Dragons) in order to determine statistically who stands the best chance at winning the 2012 presidential election. Four-hundred-and-eighty-seven twenty-sided dice throws later (saving throw! alright!) we have narrowed down exactly what characteristics a presidential hopefully would need to possess in order to win Ohio and subsequently the rest of the nation. 

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Video: Embarrassing moment from boring Sony press conference from 2006.

Back in Two-Thousand Aught Five, a little company from Japan named Sony released audio CDs containing a piece of software known as a rootkit. It was installed without the user's explicit permission and used it as a form of DRM to copy protect these CDs. On Windows, this rootkit opened up the operating system to outside malware threats. And, now, Sony is fessing up to having lost millions of users' data from their PlayStation Network online gaming system and Qriocity streaming content system. Their servers were compromised by hackers. This data may have included credit card information. Oh sassafras! This just got real.

This is a message to all those aspiring con artists out there-- you can just as easily be taken advantage of even if you've successfully duped other people in the past. Stay on your toes and never trust anyone. This is how you don't become a mark while you're trying to go about your con-ly business.

According to the SJ Mercury News, SETI will have to 'hibernate' their telescope array at Hat Creek, CA.  The scientific community is undoubtedly missing out on an important.  Could this be the Illuminati/Reptilian conspiracy at work?!  Perhaps they are getting too close to the truth!  Hit the jump for the article and an important video.  A must watch.  Also, email us if you are in need of a tin foil hat.  These are dangerous times indeed.  Skullduggery!

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We here at the Con Artists are lovers, not fighters. We are very, very afraid of violence, please don't hit us. Arguably the hardest part about being a lover is finding a willing "collaborator", but us geniuses have struck upon something potentially life-changing opportunity. 

Republican politicians are apparently all sex-crazed lunatics (check out the list) who love nothing more than airport-bathroom blowjobs. Now, we'll admit that we are not to crazy about Republican policies and we're not even that attracted to men, but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

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We here at the Con Artists are a constant source of inspiration, even for ourselves. This week, in conjunction with our soon-to-be-NYT-best-seller (cellar?), we have conceived of literally thousands (read: seven) fantastic (read: likely life-threatening) fad-diets ideas to sell to the idiot masses. Well, it occurred to us (we are geniuses) that before we try get people to make these horrible decissions in hopes of a beautiful swim-suit body, we should probably test them out. And, being geniuses, we called upon our already famished con-terns (a delightful portmanteau of con artist and intern. Didn't I tell you we were brilliant?) instead of putting our own beautiful bodies on the line. Starting today, three of our best and brightest (read: entirely average and dull) will each take a month long shoot at one of our new diets.

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We live in an age of media oversaturation.  We here at the con artists are of the opinion that the hillside that is the American psyche is about to slide off onto the highway of commerce.  Because attention spans have been destroyed by the idiot box, the other idiot box and the magic picture square what fits in your pocket, advertisers have less time to make an impression.  So that means that they have to work even harder to create memorable campaigns.  

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Canadian humorists, The Kids in the Hall, explain the power and importance of knowing your spirit animal. Email us for your's today!

It's finally happened. And I thank my many pagan gods that this most prophesied day has finally come; a porno film has topped Hong Kong's single day box-office record, crushing James Cameron's quaint little nature documentary, "Avatar". All it took was 3D boobies. Today Hong Kong, tomorrow the world! Huff-Po has the full story.

Deep thought: Think of the box-office possibilities if James Cameron would finally respond to my fan-letters and go ahead and make the porno version of "Sphere" that I have been clamoring for!

We here at the Con Artists think that it is very easy to understate the importance of the spiritual aspect of crime. Scant is the morn we don't wake up and thank our many pagan gods for safety the previous evening, and good hunting for the next. Many, many successful people have been very spiritual, and honestly, what are the odds that this is a coincidence? Ask yourself this, loyal idiot, how many of our American president's have been spiritual? Answer: all of them and more over, all but one (thank you, secret Muslim) have worshipped the exact same deity. 

Enough mincing words; if you want to succeed, you need to find some kind of god(s), or at least something to believe in (the goodness of mankind doesn't count). Now we're not going to argue with you about which god is best (Poseidon, obviously), but instead suggest to you that buy into our brand new religious pyramid scheme/very special offer for only our most important readers! Read on!

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Apple released its famous iPhone in the summer of 2007.  Although a spectacular device, it lacked the ability for developers to make native software for the gadget.  When they were damn well ready, Apple announced the next year that software monkeys could, with the supplied set of tools, start making mobile applications.  The caveat was that the software had to be approved by Apple in order to keep the 'walled garden' of the iPhone user experience pristine.  And thus our current App mania was born.

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http://zettwoch.blogspot.com/

Once upon a time, if you were going to rob a bank, you put on a black and white striped shirt, a beanie (alternatively a cabbie's cap) and a bandit mask. And things were good. Kids on the street could turn to their parents and say, "Wow, what a sharp dressed gang of hoodlums." Today, crime, in the most blue-collar sense of the word, has become largely synonymous with hip-hop culture thanks to the rise and subsequent stagnation of "gansta-rap" as a musical movement. Because of this, crime-culture has largely merged with the flashy, bling-riddled style that the kids all see on the MTV's musical videos. They still have those, right? I suppose the point that I am trying to make is that petty crime no longer has a fashion statement that is uniquely it's own.

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Oh, shit! It looks like the con artists will have to close down their highly lucrative "The Con Artist's Official International Waters Internet Video Cock-Fighting" website because we are too pretty to go to jail. Our brother's in vaguely illegal internet gambling over at Full Tilt Poker, Absolute Poker and Pokerstars have all be charged with illegal gambling (shocking) because apparently the government hates fun. Read what real journalist have to say at Reuters. This hits very close to home. 

Also, if there is anyone out there with iPhone game programing skills, how about a game that is like Pokemon, but instead you raise chickens and the fights are all to the death? Any takers? Email me. We will make this happen.